Monday, July 16, 2012


After Stoopid 50, I was feeling strong. Then I got a bad staph infection and spent a week sitting on my ass.

The following is a little gross.

When my shin looked like it was growing an inflamed baseball and started to jiggle as I walked, I decided it was time to go seek some professional advice. I went to Med Express the next day.

The nurse came in to see me and asked about my medical history. I looked over while talking. She was writing down everything on a napkin. Confidence inspiring.

Then the PA came in, and informed me that the little staphs had built a megalopolis under my skin.

"It's very hard," she says while squeezing my infection. "I can either try to drain it, or give you some antibiotics."

"Well what would work best?" I ask.

"Oh, it's really up to you."

"Up to me?" Seriously? I came here for treatment, not choices. I could get information that general from the internet. "What do you recommend?" I say.

"Well, we could do either one"

Damn her. Not helping. But I'm paying $115 dollars to be here. I better get my money's worth and have her slice something.

"Fine. Just cut it open," I say.

She moves me to a different room, and pulls out a tray full of shiny sharp things.

"Ok. This'll pinch," she shoves a needle into the middle of my infection. It feels like she's driving a piece of hot rebar through my leg. Then she does it again. And again. My toes clench. And another needle. Jesus. And another one.

"Thanks for not kicking me in the face," she says. She looks excited. "Now I'm going to start draining it." she picks up a scalpel. I can't watch. I turn my head and grab the rails of the bed.

Now she's squeezing on my leg. I've never been in so much pain. Squeeze squeeze squeeze.

She almost giggles. "Ok! Got some out. Do you mind if I save some of your pus?"

I nod weakly. There's blood all over the chair. She wipes some off my flip-flop, slaps a bandaid on my shin, and sends me home. I can't walk for the next three days.

Although I'm not totally sure how I got the infection, I'm guessing that it had something to do with the sub-optimal hygiene conditions of my home:

Or with the garden hose we use as a shower:


dicky said...

"Come live in the squat house, baby."

Name the band and win a prize.

dougyfresh said...

Is this what Dicky has to look forward to in Breck?

samlikesbikes said...

You are showering first thing every morning whilst here. no if ands or buts.

Montana said...

Only if you put a hose outside for me