Pulp Traction

Last Friday I was hanging out with my friend's German Shepard (trying to keep her from eating my face), and scanning the rows of old video tapes. Easy Rider, Die Hard 1 through 8, Captain Ron. Then, on the top row, I spotted a Specialized logo.

I jumped out of the cracked vinyl office chair and ran to pick up the box:

Pulp Traction. From 1994. (*not my thumb)

Featuring sexy gripshifting, shameless wide-ons and "boss sounds" by Seal. I started giggling with excitement. I popped the tape in the VCR, propped the little flap open with a q-tip and rewound the tape.


Then the movie began. With a public service announcement, and a man shitting rocks.


The public service message ended and Courtney Love started singing some boss sounds. Guys with mullets, fanny packs, and white t-shirts started crashing:


And crashing:


Then this chubby guy appeared. He claimed to be riding around the world from Austrailia. He had just ridden down from "Canadoo," and already pedaled 200,000 miles.


Then an F-16 pilot with a hairy stomach threw a Shark Cruiser:


And a woman with an un-hairy stomach made love to a Shark Cruiser:


After that, the Alien Sprocket Sniffers rode down some bumpy hills:


Canti brakes squealed, back tires were locked, and ruts were carved into the dust.

Then some panties flew:


And a baby was born:


The movie suddenly ended with a phone number. I'm really temped to call it:


It was over too soon. So I watched it two more times. And it was just as awesome the third time.